A few minutes later, the United Airlines head flight attendant got on the microphone and started the usual spiel. “Ladies and gentlemen, please give us your full attention as we pretend you are idiots and do not understand how to buckle a seat belt” (I may be paraphrasing a little).

THEN THEY TURNED OFF ALL THE LIGHTS. I could not read my book. I could not do anything but look at the flip down TV screen where animated flight attendants demonstrated how to tighten a seat belt. It’s pitch black in the airplane cabin. I am not exaggerating. Pitch. Black.

The flight attendant continued. “Please take the safety card out of your seat pocket and follow along as we explain the important safety features of this aircraft.” One problem: we were all sitting in complete darkness. Not only could we not find the safety card, there was no way anyone could read it.

For the next 5 minutes, we sat there in the dark while the flight attendant went through the exact same set of instructions I have heard for the last 20 years. “In some cases, the nearest exit may be behind you. The lavatories are equipped with smoke detectors. You can buy a can of beer for six bucks.”

When they finished, the lights came back up and I discussed this with the guy sitting next to me. “Why do they turn out the lights and FORCE you to watch the safety dance?” I asked. “I’ve seen it a dozens of times just this year.”

“I don’t know, but it’s really annoying me. I have flown round trip to Kansas City FOUR TIMES in the last TWO WEEKS — a total of  EIGHT FLIGHTS — and I have had to sit through their stupid lecture every time,” replied my seatmate. “They really need to treat their expert travelers better.”

I don’t know why United Airlines has such an unfriendly policy that punishes their most frequent customers, but it’s probably the fault of a lawyer.”We must make sure our safety speech cannot be ignored. Screw common sense. Turn out all the lights and tell people how to buckle their seat belts.”

What has happened to this great country of ours? We defeated Hitler, invented rock and roll, put a man on the moon and created the Fantastic Four (including Galactus!), but now we don’t deserve enough respect to ignore a safety speech we’ve heard a freakin’ bazillion times??

Let’s be honest about the speech, too. Even if you’ve never flown in an airplane before in your entire wasted inconsequential life, do you really need instruction on buckling your seat belt? My six year old son can buckle his seat belt just fine, and this is not a brand new skill for him. In fact, he is an expert seat belt buckler. He displays the kind of precision and grace in seat belt buckling that can be found in — well, just about every single living human on the planet Earth!

United Airlines has earned the honor of being the first entry in my new blog category, “Hateful things.” There will be more to come.

• How to Do What You Love by Paul Graham.
  “A parent who set an example of loving their work might help their kids more than an expensive house.”

• Ten Things I Have Learned by Milton Glaser.
  “There is a test to determine whether someone is toxic or nourishing in your relationship with them. Here is the test: You have spent some time with this person, either you have a drink or go for dinner or you go to a ball game. It doesn’t matter very much but at the end of that time you observe whether you are more energised or less energised. Whether you are tired or whether you are exhilarated. If you are more tired then you have been poisoned. If you have more energy you have been nourished. The test is almost infallible and I suggest that you use it for the rest of your life.

I’m going to start posting links to this kind of stuff here.

Lately, I’ve been on the hit list for spam that promises to increase the size of my john thomas. (Maybe the Internet is trying to tell me something?) The old ad copywriter in me has been thrilled to see a new wave of spam creativity spewing forth from those who toil at the keyboards of the industry. It’s really getting exciting! Here are some examples of the email subject lines I have received:

• Are you sick because the size of your stick?
• Nobody will have the guts to contest with the man who is so blessed.
• Women are willing to take it and now you are able to offer it to them.
• Your boss has a little secret. Enlarge your own one!
• Bigger means better when you are talking about the thing in your pants
• Your shlong’ll be your trump
• The best and easiest way to improve your lovemaking is the improvement of your love instrument.
• If you want to be a real man – be him!
• It will be impossible not to notice all your abilities in bed.
• Are you on the edge of divorce? Try this little pill to save it.
• Any women will jump into the abyss for a man that wears a Submariner SS watch. (OK, this one is a little off topic, but it’s seriously creative. Jump into the abyss? Wow.)

Here’s my personal fave: Women will never sigh with disappointment when you take your pants off.

It really sets the scene. There you are, removing your pants: happy, hopeful, excited, perhaps a bit tipsy… and then she sadly sighs.

“Oh. I was expecting… it’s really not that… maybe we just need to… um, nevermind.”

Sigh.

So I salute you, Mr. Spam Subject Line Copywriter. You are going the extra mile in search of the new, the fresh, the original, the truly powerful subject line that will make me open your emails and take out my credit card and…

Well, I still ain’t gonna buy anything.

After all, there’s a reason my nickname is “Tripod.”

He has 46 kids, and more on the way.

“I surf the web, so you don’t have to.”

Here they are.

1. Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
By far, my favorite album of ‘07. My whole family likes it, including my 4-year-old son. He knows the words.

2. Wilco - Sky Blue SKy
I ended up listening to it quite a bit. There are some clunkers, but that’s pretty much true with any Wilco record other than maybe YHF.

3. White Stripes – Icky Thump
I’m amazed at their consistently high-quality output. I loved “Get Behind Me Satan” although apparently the critics thought it was weak. This was another great album from Jack and Meg. One thing that I thought was interesting: they sounded a little less AC/DC and a little more Led Zepplin on this release.

4. Dr. Dog – We All Belong

5. LCD Soundsystem – Sound of Silver
I actually heard this album on NPR for the first time. This got played a lot this year.

6. The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
An early favorite this year.

7. You Am I – Convicts
It’s encouraging that there are bands still making great, raw music that is worth listening to.

8. Ted Leo & the Pharmacists – Living with the Living
His show here in Denver was fantastic, too.

9. Ryan Adams – Easy Tiger
This could just as easily have been Band Of Horses or The National. I listened to Ryan a bit more than those two, so he wins.

10. Babyshambles - Shotter’s Nation
God help me, I actually like this album.

- – - – -

Other very worthy contenders:

Band of Horses – Cease to Begin
The National – Boxer
Broken West – I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On
Feist - Remainder

I also listened to the Fratellis quite a bit, but does this one count?

- – - – -

My most anticipated album of 2007, but ended up being a disappointment:

Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank

- – - – -

Good Lord, what the hell was this?

PJ Harvey – White Chalk

I got it at Danasoft.

Cute, eh?