This is a real site with a real, working quiz. It’s pretty slick, actually.

A few minutes later, the United Airlines head flight attendant got on the microphone and started the usual spiel. “Ladies and gentlemen, please give us your full attention as we pretend you are idiots and do not understand how to buckle a seat belt” (I may be paraphrasing a little).

THEN THEY TURNED OFF ALL THE LIGHTS. I could not read my book. I could not do anything but look at the flip down TV screen where animated flight attendants demonstrated how to tighten a seat belt. It’s pitch black in the airplane cabin. I am not exaggerating. Pitch. Black.

The flight attendant continued. “Please take the safety card out of your seat pocket and follow along as we explain the important safety features of this aircraft.” One problem: we were all sitting in complete darkness. Not only could we not find the safety card, there was no way anyone could read it.

For the next 5 minutes, we sat there in the dark while the flight attendant went through the exact same set of instructions I have heard for the last 20 years. “In some cases, the nearest exit may be behind you. The lavatories are equipped with smoke detectors. You can buy a can of beer for six bucks.”

When they finished, the lights came back up and I discussed this with the guy sitting next to me. “Why do they turn out the lights and FORCE you to watch the safety dance?” I asked. “I’ve seen it a dozens of times just this year.”

“I don’t know, but it’s really annoying me. I have flown round trip to Kansas City FOUR TIMES in the last TWO WEEKS — a total of  EIGHT FLIGHTS — and I have had to sit through their stupid lecture every time,” replied my seatmate. “They really need to treat their expert travelers better.”

I don’t know why United Airlines has such an unfriendly policy that punishes their most frequent customers, but it’s probably the fault of a lawyer.”We must make sure our safety speech cannot be ignored. Screw common sense. Turn out all the lights and tell people how to buckle their seat belts.”

What has happened to this great country of ours? We defeated Hitler, invented rock and roll, put a man on the moon and created the Fantastic Four (including Galactus!), but now we don’t deserve enough respect to ignore a safety speech we’ve heard a freakin’ bazillion times??

Let’s be honest about the speech, too. Even if you’ve never flown in an airplane before in your entire wasted inconsequential life, do you really need instruction on buckling your seat belt? My six year old son can buckle his seat belt just fine, and this is not a brand new skill for him. In fact, he is an expert seat belt buckler. He displays the kind of precision and grace in seat belt buckling that can be found in — well, just about every single living human on the planet Earth!

United Airlines has earned the honor of being the first entry in my new blog category, “Hateful things.” There will be more to come.

• How to Do What You Love by Paul Graham.
  “A parent who set an example of loving their work might help their kids more than an expensive house.”

• Ten Things I Have Learned by Milton Glaser.
  “There is a test to determine whether someone is toxic or nourishing in your relationship with them. Here is the test: You have spent some time with this person, either you have a drink or go for dinner or you go to a ball game. It doesn’t matter very much but at the end of that time you observe whether you are more energised or less energised. Whether you are tired or whether you are exhilarated. If you are more tired then you have been poisoned. If you have more energy you have been nourished. The test is almost infallible and I suggest that you use it for the rest of your life.

I’m going to start posting links to this kind of stuff here.

Lately, I’ve been on the hit list for spam that promises to increase the size of my john thomas. (Maybe the Internet is trying to tell me something?) The old ad copywriter in me has been thrilled to see a new wave of spam creativity spewing forth from those who toil at the keyboards of the industry. It’s really getting exciting! Here are some examples of the email subject lines I have received:

• Are you sick because the size of your stick?
• Nobody will have the guts to contest with the man who is so blessed.
• Women are willing to take it and now you are able to offer it to them.
• Your boss has a little secret. Enlarge your own one!
• Bigger means better when you are talking about the thing in your pants
• Your shlong’ll be your trump
• The best and easiest way to improve your lovemaking is the improvement of your love instrument.
• If you want to be a real man – be him!
• It will be impossible not to notice all your abilities in bed.
• Are you on the edge of divorce? Try this little pill to save it.
• Any women will jump into the abyss for a man that wears a Submariner SS watch. (OK, this one is a little off topic, but it’s seriously creative. Jump into the abyss? Wow.)

Here’s my personal fave: Women will never sigh with disappointment when you take your pants off.

It really sets the scene. There you are, removing your pants: happy, hopeful, excited, perhaps a bit tipsy… and then she sadly sighs.

“Oh. I was expecting… it’s really not that… maybe we just need to… um, nevermind.”

Sigh.

So I salute you, Mr. Spam Subject Line Copywriter. You are going the extra mile in search of the new, the fresh, the original, the truly powerful subject line that will make me open your emails and take out my credit card and…

Well, I still ain’t gonna buy anything.

After all, there’s a reason my nickname is “Tripod.”

The reason I’m voting for Obama is because I believe he represents the common man better than any nominee since perhaps Truman. I think the common man (and woman) has been forgotten in our nation’s politics and policies. When our representatives in Washington D.C. start thinking that an income of $250K/year is middle class, it just shows how out of touch they are. You can live a pretty dang comfortable life on that kind of coin. Most people will never come close to it. You’re not wealthy, but you sure ain’t average.

Obama grew up poor. He went to some great schools, yes, but he earned the privilege through hard work and intelligence, not connections or inherited wealth. His work as a community organizer had him down in the trenches with folks who struggled everyday to pay the rent and put food on the table. I can’t think of a more thankless job. I certainly wouldn’t want to do it. But I think if you want to know who is an American, you need to work in a soup kitchen once in a while, because the people who eat there are Americans, too.

The Bible teaches us the lesson that yes, we are our brother’s keeper. I believe that there are things that government can do to provide a safety net for the least fortunate among us, and for those in circumstances that might wipe out the entire value of their life’s work. [ Oh the horror! Let me put the brakes on the rhetoric here: Government programs can get out of control, and I do believe that there are things better left to faith organizations and state government. ]

I believe in compassion for our least fortunate, and competition for those who want to climb the ladder. In other words, everyone should have a warm place to sleep and access to some food on a daily basis, but if you want to sleep in a king-size bed and eat a steak, get off your butt and get to work.

I believe that Obama is a real candidate of change. Big, fundamental changes in the way we treat people and what is considered valuable.

Change is needed. Take health care, for example. What’s wrong with a plan that gives every person access to health care when they need it? Why not build a society that takes care of sick people by default instead of arguing about it? Some people say that Canada is a great model, other people will say that Canada’s health care system is terrible. Why not take the idea of universal health care and fix the parts that don’t work, and create a health care that’s better than any other system in the world? Let’s kick Canada’s ass rather than being scared of the whole idea. (Our approach to health care is like the guy who is so scared of being labeled gay that he won’t even hug his own dad). Our health care system is no longer the best out there, yet any suggestion of change is greeted with derision and cries of socialism. There has to be a better way. It will take courage and cooperation to find it. It will take someone who is not getting all of their ideas from corporate lobbyists and political strategists.

The whole socialism/capitalism thing is out of whack. We’ve recently socialized the losses of the banking and finance industry, but the profits will continue to be privatized. I don’t suggest privatizing these institutions, but why is it acceptable to spend $700 billion to bailout a bunch of banks but allow folks to lose their houses because they can’t pay their medical bills? This recently happened to a friend of mine, so I’m not speaking conceptually here — it’s as real as a colonoscopy, and less fun.

If we’re going to provide any socialism, let’s do it for the folks at the bottom, not the top. Let’s take care of our people, not our institutions.

The combination of socialism/capitalism works great in education. Our education system is still one of the world’s best. Everyone has the opportunity to get K-12 education, free. It’s not always equitable in terms of the teachers and resources at each school, but you can get a good education at any school in America if you’re willing to work at being a student. If you want even better education, you can pay for it. And if you want to continue on in your education after grade 12, you’ll have to pay for that too, unless you’re exceptionally gifted. We provide minimum coverage education for everyone, and if you want better, you can buy it. I don’t see why a similar model can’t work for health care.

We need to shift our national priorities. Maintaining a national defense is always going to be important, but we need to get our folks home and work on our own country rather than someone else’s. We need to focus on energy independence, creating real jobs for people, keeping our factories open rather than letting them move to China, and rebuilding our infrastructure before more bridges collapse and kill people.

Obama is impressive. He thinks through every decision, and chooses carefully and wisely. He does not act on whims or anger. He can stand up to the heat of the political debate and still make decisions based on what is good rather than what will sound good. And he can explain it calmly, reasonably, intelligently. (Intelligence in a president: what a refreshing idea!)

The 18th and 19th centuries were America’s childhood. In the 20th century, the US was the powerhouse of the world. In the 21st century, someone else will probably have their turn. We can be the adult country: strong, wealthy, healthy, and minding our own business except when called upon. Some of those European nations do some pretty great things for their own people — we can take a few cues from them and do it our own way, the American way, in a way that doesn’t kill all competition and put the government in charge of everything. But we’re not going to be the greatest country on the planet by widening the gap between the rich and the poor. I’m not in favor of universal poverty — I want everyone to have the opportunity to become as rich as possible.

I think McCain is a good man, but I like him less now than I did 12 months ago. His plans don’t make much sense. His health care plan in particular sounds like an absolute nightmare, and I don’t think it’s even a realistic plan. It will never pass congress. He’s running on a plan that sounds good to the free market diehards but will never go anywhere. It’s politics, not policy.

I’m not voting for Obama because I like every specific detail about his economic plan. I’m not voting for him because of any specifics. The reality is that he will need to work with analysts, both parties, and finally Congress to get any of his plans voted into law. His plans will get analyzed by the American people and the media, and the stuff that is too radical for most Americans will get dumped. His plans are likely to change, and the rough edges filed smooth.Obama has the potential to be a president who changes our society for the better. Teddy Roosevelt protected a few of our great places, and set in motion a philosophy that is still reflected in America today. Our country still honors Abraham Lincoln for the hard choices he had to make.

I’m an optimist. I believe that most people are good. I believe there are political leaders who are good at heart, who have not been corrupted, who still think like leaders rather than politicians. I believe Obama can, perhaps, be a president who will be remembered alongside Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln. He has the potential, and he’ll be facing a myriad of crisis situations.

When I look at Obama, I see hope for the future. When I look at John McCain, I see the Republican party. The Republicans have written a book on cynicism, corporate greed, angry divisive politics, anti-intellectualism, favoring the rich over everyone else, arrogance towards the rest of the world, elevating military might while denigrating diplomacy, operating in secret in defiance of laws and precedent, reducing the right to privacy that has always been a cornerstone of US citizenship, ignoring state’s rights, and completely ignoring any sense of fiscal responsibility. The book that Obama wrote is called “The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream.” That’s the book I choose to vote for.

John McCain represents the past. Obama represents the future.

He has 46 kids, and more on the way.

“I surf the web, so you don’t have to.”

Here they are.

1. Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
By far, my favorite album of ‘07. My whole family likes it, including my 4-year-old son. He knows the words.

2. Wilco - Sky Blue SKy
I ended up listening to it quite a bit. There are some clunkers, but that’s pretty much true with any Wilco record other than maybe YHF.

3. White Stripes – Icky Thump
I’m amazed at their consistently high-quality output. I loved “Get Behind Me Satan” although apparently the critics thought it was weak. This was another great album from Jack and Meg. One thing that I thought was interesting: they sounded a little less AC/DC and a little more Led Zepplin on this release.

4. Dr. Dog – We All Belong

5. LCD Soundsystem – Sound of Silver
I actually heard this album on NPR for the first time. This got played a lot this year.

6. The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
An early favorite this year.

7. You Am I – Convicts
It’s encouraging that there are bands still making great, raw music that is worth listening to.

8. Ted Leo & the Pharmacists – Living with the Living
His show here in Denver was fantastic, too.

9. Ryan Adams – Easy Tiger
This could just as easily have been Band Of Horses or The National. I listened to Ryan a bit more than those two, so he wins.

10. Babyshambles - Shotter’s Nation
God help me, I actually like this album.

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Other very worthy contenders:

Band of Horses – Cease to Begin
The National – Boxer
Broken West – I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On
Feist - Remainder

I also listened to the Fratellis quite a bit, but does this one count?

- – - – -

My most anticipated album of 2007, but ended up being a disappointment:

Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank

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Good Lord, what the hell was this?

PJ Harvey – White Chalk