No matter where you work, there are always people who excel at their job. These people take dull jobs and insert creativity and enthusiasm into the most routine of tasks. It’s true if you work flipping burgers, designing jet engines, teaching first graders, or writing the most mundane advertising copy ever invented: spam.

Lately, I’ve been on the hit list for spam that promises to increase the size of my john thomas. (Maybe the Internet is trying to tell me something?) The old ad copywriter in me has been thrilled to see a new wave of spam creativity spewing forth from those who toil at the keyboards of the industry. It’s really getting exciting! Here are some examples of the email subject lines I have received:

• Are you sick because the size of your stick?
• Nobody will have the guts to contest with the man who is so blessed.
• Women are willing to take it and now you are able to offer it to them.
• Your boss has a little secret. Enlarge your own one!
• Bigger means better when you are talking about the thing in your pants
• Your shlong’ll be your trump
• The best and easiest way to improve your lovemaking is the improvement of your love instrument.
• If you want to be a real man – be him!
• It will be impossible not to notice all your abilities in bed.
• Are you on the edge of divorce? Try this little pill to save it.
• Any women will jump into the abyss for a man that wears a Submariner SS watch. (OK, this one is a little off topic, but it’s seriously creative. Jump into the abyss? Wow.)

Here’s my personal fave: Women will never sigh with disappointment when you take your pants off.

It really sets the scene. There you are, removing your pants: happy, hopeful, excited, perhaps a bit tipsy… and then she sadly sighs.

“Oh. I was expecting… it’s really not that… maybe we just need to… um, nevermind.”

Sigh.

So I salute you, Mr. Spam Subject Line Copywriter. You are going the extra mile in search of the new, the fresh, the original, the truly powerful subject line that will make me open your emails and take out my credit card and…

Well, I still ain’t gonna buy anything.

After all, there’s a reason my nickname is “Tripod.”

This doesn’t even list the benefits of alcoholism. Writing is a great career!

You know those weird distorted words that you have to type sometimes when you register for a web site? They’re called CAPTCHAs, and they prevent spam robots from registering on web sites.

Here’s a suggestion that takes the idea one step further: a CAPTCHA that requires a good understanding of grammar. This guy suggests that such a test should be required in order to use the Internet at all. Hit refresh (F5) on your browser to get new, fun grammar and spelling questions.

Darth Vader agrees.

Here’s a widget that will keep you up to date on my progress.

As I post this, it’s showing the goal for three days of writing, even though I still count this as Day Two. It’s only 1:15 a.m. on Day Three. I need 1667 words per day. I should be at 3333 words right now. This is going to be hard.

I love this image.

Tomorrow is Nov. 1, the start of National Novel Writing Month. I gave it a half-hearted attempt last year. But this year’s different. This year I’m a-gonna write this sucker. 50,000 words in 30 days. What the hell. It’s not like I was going to use that time to learn to play the banjo.