No matter where you work, there are always people who excel at their job. These people take dull jobs and insert creativity and enthusiasm into the most routine of tasks. It’s true if you work flipping burgers, designing jet engines, teaching first graders, or writing the most mundane advertising copy ever invented: spam.

Lately, I’ve been on the hit list for spam that promises to increase the size of my john thomas. (Maybe the Internet is trying to tell me something?) The old ad copywriter in me has been thrilled to see a new wave of spam creativity spewing forth from those who toil at the keyboards of the industry. It’s really getting exciting! Here are some examples of the email subject lines I have received:

• Are you sick because the size of your stick?
• Nobody will have the guts to contest with the man who is so blessed.
• Women are willing to take it and now you are able to offer it to them.
• Your boss has a little secret. Enlarge your own one!
• Bigger means better when you are talking about the thing in your pants
• Your shlong’ll be your trump
• The best and easiest way to improve your lovemaking is the improvement of your love instrument.
• If you want to be a real man – be him!
• It will be impossible not to notice all your abilities in bed.
• Are you on the edge of divorce? Try this little pill to save it.
• Any women will jump into the abyss for a man that wears a Submariner SS watch. (OK, this one is a little off topic, but it’s seriously creative. Jump into the abyss? Wow.)

Here’s my personal fave: Women will never sigh with disappointment when you take your pants off.

It really sets the scene. There you are, removing your pants: happy, hopeful, excited, perhaps a bit tipsy… and then she sadly sighs.

“Oh. I was expecting… it’s really not that… maybe we just need to… um, nevermind.”

Sigh.

So I salute you, Mr. Spam Subject Line Copywriter. You are going the extra mile in search of the new, the fresh, the original, the truly powerful subject line that will make me open your emails and take out my credit card and…

Well, I still ain’t gonna buy anything.

After all, there’s a reason my nickname is “Tripod.”

Now, honey, we’ve been saving this for years. Now that you’re 14, we thought you should have it.

Here are our Jack O’ Lanterns for Halloween 2007.

Cute, eh?

It just snowed a couple of feet of snow here in Denver, and it keeps coming down. I’m tempted to compare the hardships we’re suffering with the Colorado pioneers. You probably can guess all the stuff they suffered: frostbite, starvation, death, so I won’t bore you with their details. Here is a list of the things which we have suffered today:

1. Drank last bottle of red wine. Forced to borrow another bottle from the neighbors.
2. Had to shovel three feet of snow that had drifted atop the hot tub before enjoying a soak.
3. Satellite dish for DirecTV needed to be cleared of snow in order to watch TV.
4. No mail today.
5. Chained up the tires on my Land Cruiser. Forced to lie in a cold puddle, briefly. My blue jeans were wet and cold.
6. Weather.com maps showed inaccuracies.
7. Relative in warmer climes kept annoying us with phone calls for some incomprehensible reason. “Yes, we’re OK. No wait, we’re dead! Just kidding, we’re drinking.” WTF?
8. Ski trip to Copper Mountain may be postponed due to excessive snow. How ironic is that?
9. Prevented me from playing the hero. Newer version of Volkswagen Passat seems to have no front tow point. I have an enormous 1996 Toyota Land Cruiser with lockers, aftermarket bumper, recovery points with D-Rings and a strong strap. All Volkswagen had to do was provide a single front recovery point, as they did for decades in their other cars. What, do they think their cars are able to fly? Fucking Germans.
10. Couldn’t find my favorite knit cap.

As you can see, the hardships faced by the modern Coloradan have not changed much in 150 years. Even my mule was cold.