In my dream, we all wake up.

Forget the Democrats and the Republicans. Let's wipe the slate clean and start over.
By Matt Farr

It's time for a new political party. The current ones are useless. The Republicans are too hamstrung by fanatical wealthy right wing groups. The Democrats have never met a program or a regulation they didn't like. 

The two parties represent different groups, all right, but both fail to speak for the vast majority of normal Americans. Let's face it: most of us Americans DO have brains in our head, far more than the media gives us credit for. The fact that we don't lean left or right to any extraordinary degree is by choice, not just because we don't care. 

We're quite comfortable straddling the fence, thank you very much.

So here's what I propose. Let's start a new political party for all of us people in the middle. Let's take control. Let's marginalize both Jesse Jackson and Rush Limbaugh back to the slime buckets from whence they emerged. I'd guess that 8 out of 10 Americans are centrists like me - but if the number is only 60 percent, that's still an overwhelming majority.

People of the middle, unite!

STEP 1: ESTABLISH A PARTY PLATFORM. 
Since I'm the founder of this party, I'll go first. If you have an idea, send it in. If it's good, I'll add it to the party platform. If it's really good, I'll nominate you for the Supreme Court after we win.

Guns.
Mandatory background checks at gun shows are a good idea. Waiting periods are a good idea. And nobody needs assault rifles.

However, banning rifles, shotguns, and handguns is unacceptable. This country was founded by people with guns who rose up against an oppressive government. We're Americans, we like guns, and we find them useful. If you don't like it, you don't have to own one. 

And all you people who won't let your kids play with squirt guns? Get a life.

Better-paid teachers.
This is the first law our party will introduce: Teachers will make a minimum of $100,000 per year -- starting salary. You want the best and brightest teaching our kids? Attract the cream of the crop. Money talks.

Welfare.
We won't let you starve, but if you can work -- if ya ain't crippled -- get off your ass and find a job. We Americans are a compassionate people, but when we see you in line at the grocery store, paying with food stamps for a cartload of Doritos while you're wearing brand new $150 Nike sneakers, it pisses us off. 

More national holidays.
Some of these months are pretty good, with long weekends like Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving. But March and April are pretty spare, and August is just crying out for a whole week of national vacation. We pledge to invent some good holidays, and then make it mandatory for businesses to give everybody the day off. Except for movie theaters, water slide parks, and massage parlors. 

Social Security.
George Dubya has the right idea. What's wrong with letting taxpayers invest our own money, rather than letting Ted Kennedy spend it? A monkey could get a two percent return on our money. 

Pay off the deficit now. Cut taxes later.
Taxes are hateful. But we finally start earning more money than we're spending (for the first time in THIRTY YEARS), and now the Republicans want to blow it on tax cuts. The Democrats are no better, they want to fund "important programs" or put it in a lockbox. 

It's like the guy who gets a $200 a month raise, then buys a $4000 big screen TV.

Hasn't a single politician ever had a balance on a credit card -- and paid it off? 

Fewer Handicapped Parking Spaces
I'm all for handicap spaces in the parking lot. But do we really need a full dozen spots in front of the grocery store? I've never seen more than two being used at once.

Burritos: our national treasure.
Burritos are nutritious and tasty. They encompass nearly the entire food pyramid. There's a burrito for everyone -- even vegetarians. 

To honor this life-sustaining food, we'll create another holiday - a National Burrito Day of Celebration! On this day, every American family will gather together and eat the burritos of their choice in a well-ventilated area. All businesses will be closed, except for banks and post offices, because they get too many days off already.

If Italians complain that Burritos are "Mexican" food, we'll create a National Pizza Day. Then an Egg Roll Day. And a French Fry Day. That should make everyone happy.

Sane Environmental Plan.
We've been allowing our policy on America's wilderness areas to be dictated by extremists from both sides for far too long. Here's our new strategy: 

Hug a tree, go to jail. 
Kill a spotted owl, we chop off your arms.

There also would be hefty fines for wearing hemp clothing or for drilling for oil in protected wildlife areas.

HELP! We need a name for our new political party. Here are the options so far: The "No Flakes Or Nuts" Party. The Center Party. The All-Night Party. The Wishy Washy Middle. The Rest Of Us. Joe. ( Please send in your votes or suggestions to matt@rustybrain.com )

Term limits.
Anyone who wants to make a career out of politics should NOT be allowed to serve. At the same time, having a bunch of greenhorns in office ain't much good either. How about a maximum of 18 combined years as a senator and/or congressman. We'll buy Jesse Helms and Ted Kennedy each a gold watch and put 'em on the express bus to hell.

Abortion rights & prevention.
We hate abortions, but we know that making them illegal will be about as effective as outlawing booze. We already tried banning hooch, with unsatisfactory results. 

Better yet, I've got a plan for eliminating nearly all abortions. If we can mandate emergency air bags in cars, we can surely pass legislation for emergency condom dispensers in every back seat. It's such a simple idea -- I wonder why no one has thought of it before? Especially Clinton.

Weed
Legalize it already. You don't have to smoke it just cause it's legal. I mean, Zima has been legal for years, but you don't see anybody drinking it, do you?

STEP 2: VOTE FOR ME. 
If we're going to do this, we have to get off our keisters and make it happen. All those zitty kids in high school that lived for student council are going to continue to run things unless we put a stop to it. 

So here I am. Vote for me. If nominated I will accept. If elected I will serve. And after I've served my limited term, I'll quit. 

I'm not sure what office I'm running for yet. But it's time to take back America from the Wings. Right wing. Left wing. Red wings. 

The only wings I'm in favor of are Chicken Wings.

Chicken Wings! There's another National Holiday.

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©2001 Matthew Farr
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