Could he be...Satan?
An investigation into the true nature of our new president.
By Matt Farr

It was recently suggested to me by a friend that George W. Bush may be Satan. Yep, you read that right: Satan. Lucifer. Ole Scratch. The guy with the horns.

Initially I was skeptical. After all, Dubya's not exactly the most powerful lawnmower in the shed. I mean, the dude's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. What I'm trying to say is, if you had three blind nuns and a barrel of cognac - well, you get the idea.

Anyway, my friend says that this perception I have of George W. as a pinhead is exactly what Dubya wants us to think. What better way to disguise your true evil nature than by looking like the biggest jamoke that ever lurched into the Oval Office?

OK then. Let's take a look at the evidence and circumstances which may point to our new president-elect as the representative of Hell on Earth.

1. He's a master of disguise. No one in their right mind would pick George W. Bush as their extremely clever "Phone-a-friend." And that's exactly the point: Dubya looks like a regular, friendly guy, who just happened to stumble into politics after some very fine years of boozing. He seems like the last guy on earth that the devil would choose as his incarnate self.

2. He arranged his own election, but did so in such a bumbling manner that no one suspects him as the mastermind. If I were going fix my own election, I would make damn sure I won the popular vote. But that's why I'm only a witty writer, not an evil mastermind.

3. He's part of an unholy trinity. Think about it.
   The Father: former President George H. W. Bush.
   The Son: Dubya himself.
   And the Holy Jeb: the most terrible of them all.

4. George W. Bush = 666 in code. Here's scientific proof. Take each letter of the alphabet and assign it a number, starting with A=1. Add up the letters of Dubya's name, which totals 130. Now multiply 130 x 5.123076923076923, which is the average height of the weeds growing at Stonehenge measured in Hellenistic cubits. The mark of the Beast!

5. He controls the minds of the rich and powerful. Dick Cheney? Colin Powell? Christie Whitman? Tommy Thompson? These are all smart people. It seems inconceivable that they would agree to serve a clod like Dubya - unless he is using the Power of the Dark Side to cloud their minds!

6. Evil Office sounds like Oval Office, kind of. Try saying it with a West Texas accent while pinching your nose shut.

Here's the most devious part about this disguise - George W. Bush, if he is indeed Beelzebub, can pursue a hideous, evil agenda and no one will be the wiser.

• Give everybody a tax cut that sends the budget spiraling back into the red again, just like Daddy left it? Sure -- "It's the right thing to do."

• Spend more money on prisons so we can remain #1 in per capita incarceration? Of course -- "America needs more prisons."

• Set a beer bottle on "The Button," inadvertently starting a nuclear holocaust that ends civilization as we know it? No problem -- "Whoops! Gosh sorry. Hey, the devil made me do it."

Come to think of it, resembling the world's biggest chucklehead IS a great disguise. In the recent best-selling series of books called "Left Behind," the Antichrist is a character named Nicolae Carpathia. (Note: Nicolae was recently added to the "List of Least Popular Names for Boys," along with Damien and Hugh.) Carpathia is handsome, smart, multilingual, and charismatic to a degree that people love him with mindless adoration. All the characteristics that George W. seems to be lacking -- or so he would have you think!

One last item that's just a little too coincidental to be true. In 1960, George C. Scott played the Prince of Darkness in the made-for-TV movie Don Juan in Hell. Makes you think, doesn't it? George C.? George W.? Fluke? Happenstance? I don't think so. And if you take the "C" and the "W" and put 'em together, you get...Country & Western! The Music of the Damned.

We are utterly doomed.

Unless I'm wrong. Maybe Dubya's not the living embodiment of supreme evil and unrighteousness. Maybe he's just a normal schmuck.

In which case, things will be great.

Just look at the last eight years.

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Comments about this story? Got a topic you'd like to suggest?
Send email to matt@rustybrain.com

Thanks to Jim Ingolia for the inspiration for this column.

©2000 Matthew Farr
Our motto: Jamoke is a funny word.