Every Christmas season, I ask my wife if there's a gift she would like from me. "Write me a poem," she consistently says, based on a single poem I wrote in the early days of our relationship. This year, I declare my love for all the world to see, right here at Rusty Brain. It's not poetry, but then again, maybe it is.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
By Matt Farr

1. Naked. I really love you naked. When you are naked, I love you with all my heart, as only a man in love does, especially one who is in the presence of you, naked.

2. Nearly naked. Ah, my love. When you have no clothes on, or are wearing only very small items that have outrageous fabric/price ratios, I feel so very close to you. Yes, this seems similar to item #1, but in reality it is like comparing opera with yodeling. It's an important distinction. My love for you at these times is as glorious as the full moon on a clear winter night. OK, maybe full moon was a poor choice of words.

3. While eating burritos. When the two of us go to Taco Burrito Palace and consume tasty, spicy burritos together, it never fails to strike me directly in the heart - I love you. I've looked for someone my whole life with whom I could eat burritos late at night, and here you are. Such a lucky man am I. Pass the green salsa when you're finished with it.

4. While eating burritos, naked. While this has never happened, if it did, I know that I would love you all the more. 

5. While buying CDs at Tower Records, alone. As I browse the racks of interesting rock and jazz CDs, I speak your name softly. It is good that you are not here, although you are ever on my mind. Were you here, surely the moment of perfect love would fade, since you would insist on limiting any CD purchases to an absurd number, such as $50. Yet when I stand at the hip-hop listening station, wearing gigantic headphones and skipping from song to song, I imagine your joy at the new music I will introduce to you in days to come. Your eyes will fill with love and you will not notice the many CD wrappers in the trash.

6. While shoveling the driveway after a snowfall. When I see you out there, outlined against the bright moon of the clear night sky, bundled up in hat and scarf and mittens and I can no longer see your face and you have a snow shovel in your hand, my heart rejoices. Love blossoms in the simple things! Truly we were made to spend every moment together! Except of course, the moments at Tower Records, as I have explained above.

7. Playing the piano for me. I especially love it when you play Beethoven, whose dark, foreboding music is filled with passion and anguish. I like to lie on the floor under the piano as you play this soulful music, letting the notes wash over me and reverberate in my skull. Also, this is a good place to check out your legs if you're wearing a short skirt.

8. Playing the piano for me, naked. Just a thought. When I was in high school, I saw a girl doing this in Playboy. Playing the piano. Really. Yes, I guess the piano bench would be a little cold. Maybe when it gets warmer?

9. Napping with cats. When you are asleep on the couch, eyes closed, breathing slowly, cats curled up in the nooks of your blanket, I am filled with love. Deep, intoxicating love that glows through my body and brain. Except when you are sleeping on top of the remote control. In that case, there is still love, but also frustration at missing the Sunday afternoon showing of Abbott &Costello In The Foreign Legion, released in glorious black and white in 1950.

10. Wearing nice clothes. You are so pretty when all dressed up in a skirt and sweater set. Much more so than when you wear flannel pajamas all the time. Yes, I know I bought you the flannel pajamas. That other stuff from Victoria's Secret is a waste of money. Do you know that you have some small, silky items from 1996 that still have price tags on them? If we wait a few more years, maybe we can sell them as antique lingerie on ebay. [Then I will love you all the more for your frugality.]

11. Happy. I don't profess to understand you. But I love to see you smile. 

[Uh oh. "We love to see you smile" is the new slogan for McDonald's restaurants. How romantic is that? I don't know how to reword this - "I take pleasure in your grin" just doesn't sound very loving. "I adore your smirk" doesn't work either. Now I'm thinking about how I also love McDonald's French fries, though not as much as I love you, of course. I just realized that I'm kind of hungry right now - I wonder what time Mickey D's is open until?]

12. Eating French fries with me at McDonald's. Seriously, I think they might still be open. Wanna go? I know it's 10:30 at night, but I think the drive-thru stays open until 11. I'm pretty hungry - that tofu hot dog I had for dinner really didn't fill me up. Just think of how I would love to see your smile as you dip fries into the embankment of ketchup between us and devour hot salty fries three at a time.

13. Kissing me. Especially those early morning kisses on the forehead while I am still sleeping. Sometimes I feign sleep and murmur softly, to entice you to continue with the kisses. I dream of your kisses. Your kisses are wonderful at all times and all places. Even when you have French fry breath.

14. When you laugh at my jokes. It doesn't happen nearly so often as it used to. I'm thankful when you giggle a little bit. And on the rare occasions when I can get you to laugh out loud - as you did when I read this column to you - that's a real treat.

Your loving husband, Matt

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©2000 Matthew Farr
Our motto: French fries is mighty good.