All of the below was written by Wythe. I've added a few comments in brackets [like so] to help fill in the blanks when Wythe makes pop culture references that may be unknown to those of us less "with it" than he. Enjoy.

Ozzy Osbourne For President
By Wythe Marschall

It's 7:29 p.m. on the Monday evening before Decision 2000, and given the impending ascension of a Bush Administration, I'm sullenly contemplating a move to Canada. I'm a rather practiced sullen contemplator, especially when listening to System of a Down. (For those who don't know, you make a System of the Down by mixing four Armenians, a shot of Rage Against the Machine, a fifth of Black Sabbath, two dashes of Korn, and one Dredel Song for good measure.) 

[These are all rock bands, except for the Dredel Song, which is from the cartoon South Park. Ozzy Osbourne was a member of the classic 1970s band Black Sabbath before leaving to pursue a solo career, which peaked in the early 80s. He has recently come back into vogue with his heavy metal concert tour "Ozzfest." - Matt]

In mere days, hordes of supposedly well-informed "adults" (I'm only 16 and some change) will venture to the polls and make the wrong decision - not multiple poor decisions, but one, collective ballot cast for a guy who makes Mandy Moore look like Alex Trebek. 

[Mandy Moore is the latest teen blond singer; Alex Trebek is -- c'mon, you must know who he is, right? Sigh. He's the host of the game show Jeopardy.]

Speaking of music, no one would have a higher approval rating as President than former Black Sabbath frontman, current rock ingenue, and always doom metal legend Ozzy Osbourne. (Dramatic pause.) Naysayers hold thy tongues -- I have logical reasoning! For one, no whiteboy since Michael Jackson has done more for race relations in America than Mr. Osbourne, a native Englishman and collaborator with Wu-Tang Clan, Busta Rhymes, and many other decidedly non-Sabbath inspired artists (probably). 

[Yo, the Wu-Tang clan and Busta Rhymes are rappers. Word.]

Ozzy has such a checkered moral past that he could never be the target of the distracting scandals of last century's politics. In fact, the Osbourne Administration would be credited with the invention of the "pre-scandal" when journalists realize that every embarrassing detail of his life has already been reported on a VH1 "Behind the Music" special. 

Ozzy's sense of humor alone is worth a four year stint in the Ivory Hut. During a vintage VH1 in-car interview, the aging Brit kissed his wife and said "I love you" for the camera. He then promptly asked, "Can we have sex now?" Pointed questions like that demonstrate both Mr. Osbourne's decisive nature and single-minded pursuit of what is truly important to the people of America (two words, rhymes with "letting paid.")

Every year, more and more Americans clamor for a "real change" in American politics. Ozzy certainly wouldn't keep the status quo. A traditional inauguration full of longwinded speeches? No way. Try Ozzfest DC, broadcast on every national network live from the Rose Garden. The White House? Been there (for about two hundred years); now check out The Black House. And those stuffy portraits of old men in powdered wigs would pale by comparison next to the works of Salvador Dali, Heironymus Bosch, and a stellar collection of "Velvet Elvis" wonders. 

[Salvador Dali was the 20th century artist who led the surrealism movement and was famous for melting clocks. Heironymus Bosch was a 16th century artist who created very weird paintings of people being tortured for their sins.]

Sick and tired of those State of the Union addresses boring enough to put Ben Stein to sleep? President Osbourne and friends would just serenade the country, presenting his agenda accompanied by loud pulsating thrash. Even Strom "The Walking Corpse" Thurmond would raise his four hundred thousand dollar Philip Morris lighter in tribute to an annual Black Sabbath re-reunion. 

[Ben Stein is host of the very funny game show "Win Ben Stein's Money" on Comedy Central. Strom Thurmond, most ancient senator from South Carolina, was born in 1902.]

And what if the Communist Foreign Scum Terrorist Militia Faction invaded? Ozzy would protect us. Any man who can stomach biting the head of a bat can defeat the Heathen Bastards of Elsewhere with ease. And besides, Ozzy's not even from America -- he knows how to speak to people in nations whose leaders can't even afford interns!

Unfortunately for the Free World, Ozzy Osbourne, potential savior of a hopelessly corrupt American government, is not running, nor even eligible to run for President (all U.S. Presidents must be born on American soil). This depresses a certain teen and his cat a great deal. At least I think so. I mean, cats can't talk. 

Regardless, my faith in good music remains as strong as Obi Wan's posthumous confidence in the Force. System of a Down says, "Stupid people do stupid things/Smart people outsmart each other/Then themselves." Unfortunately for Al Gore, it looks like we just outsmarted ourselves and delivered the Bush Dynasty its second political World Series title. Damn.

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©2000 Matthew Farr & Wythe Marschall