Ah, it's that time of year again. The kids are back in school, the leaves are starting to cover the lawn, and millions of weak, vulnerable people are "tuning in and turning on" to America's most addictive drug: football.

Football addiction (pigskinius opiatus weekendius) was first identified in 1929 by two physicians, Marie Curie and William "The Refrigerator" Perry. Using the scientific method and a small paper cup, the two researchers discovered that football addiction could be established by analyzing specimens of urine for trace amounts of beer nuts and potato chips. 

Today, football addiction overpowers a significant portion of the American populace. No segment is immune: rich or poor, black or white, good-looking or toothless old drunk, the power of this drug known as football affects us all. 

Consider these facts:

1. 274.9 million Americans aged 12 or over have watched a football game at least once, many without protective equipment (such as the collected works of Jean-Paul Sartre whose work, rich in ideas and filled with the spirit of freedom and the quest for truth, earned him the 1964 Nobel Laureate in Literature).

2. In the past year, 126.7 million Americans wore a football jersey, hat, or Jamal Anderson boxer shorts. Of these, 96.8 million were white, 16.7 million were black, and 13.2 million were chubby.

3. An estimated 971,000 Americans have shaved their entire bodies and painted their skin with "team colors."

4. According to a recent survey, football addiction far outstrips the use of alcohol, tobacco, and "street drugs." In fact, the numbers for "hard drugs" such as heroin are so small that Dr. T.D. Ektrapointa, the well-known football addiction therapist, recently wrote, "In comparison to football addicts, frequent heroin users are like a pimple on the ass of John Madden."
   
   Here are the actual survey results:

Source: Substance Abuse Administration, US Department of Health and Human Services

How to recognize the signs of Football Addiction

To explain some of the finer points of this national plague, we turned to Dr. T.D. Ektrapointa, MD, PhD, QB, who has spent the last eight seasons studying the causes and effects of football.

Q: What do we mean by football addiction? 
A: Football addiction, also known as "NFL dependence," is a disease that includes remote control hording and excessive drinking, despite repeated problems such as heartburn and beer belly growth. It includes four symptoms:

• Craving--A strong need, or compulsion, to watch football. 

• Impaired control--The inability to limit one's football watching on any given occasion.

• Physical dependence--Withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety, when the user misses a game or the season ends.

• Tolerance--The need for increasing amounts of televised football in order to feel its effects. 

A related condition, "Notre Dame Obsession," can be even more dangerous for those at risk.

Q: Is football addiction a disease? 
A: Yes. Football addiction is a chronic, often progressive disease with symptoms that include a strong need to drink, eat fatty foods, and shout at a television set when there is no one else in the room.

Q: Is football addiction inherited? 
A: Football addiction tends to run in families, and genetic factors partially explain this pattern. A person's environment, such as growing up in Green Bay, Wisconsin, also may influence the development of football addiction. 

Other factors, such as blindness, may help to protect even high-risk people from football problems. 

Q: Can football addiction be cured? 
A: Not yet. Football addiction is a treatable disease, but a cure has not yet been found. This means that even if a football addict has been sober for a long time and has regained health, he or she may relapse when faced with a Monday night Cowboys vs. Redskins game.

Q: Are there any medications for football addiction? 
A: Yes. Two different types of medications are commonly used to treat football addiction. The first is called Suckiagen, which is administered through the local NFL franchise by consistently losing games and making bad trades.

A second type of medication is called "Going Outside." This relatively experimental drug lessens the craving for football in many people. It is especially effective when combined with bicycling, running, rock climbing, or shopping for antiques. 

Q: Does a person have to be addict to experience problems from football? 
A: No. Although many people safely can remain "light users" with little danger, studies have shown that even beginners may drink excessively, vandalize downtown areas, and buy stupid commemorative videos when exposed to football, especially the stronger varieties known as "bowl games."

Q: Are certain groups of people more likely to develop football addiction problems than others? 
A: Yes. Nearly 98 million people in the United States--1 in every 3 adults--abuse football or are football-aholics. However, more men than women are football dependent. Also, people living in Alaska and Hawaii seem to have a natural immunity to football addiction.

Q: How can you tell whether you or someone close to you might be a football addict? 
A: A good first step is to answer the brief questionnaire below:

• Have you ever felt you should cut down on your football watching? 

• Have people annoyed you by criticizing your devotion to your team? 

• Have you ever felt bad or guilty about missing a game on TV? 

• Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves before an important league game? 

One "yes" answer suggests a possible football problem. 
More than one "yes" answer means it is highly likely that you have a statue of Vince Lombardi in your bathroom.

Q: If I have trouble with football, can't I simply reduce my viewing without stopping altogether? 
A: That depends. If you live in Seattle or New Orleans, the answer may be "yes." However, studies show that nearly all football addicts who try to merely cut down on football are unable to do so indefinitely. Minnesota Vikings fans are especially susceptible to relapse.

Q: What is a safe level of football viewing? 
A: Most adults can view moderate amounts of football--up to two games per week for men and one game per week for women and older people--and avoid problems such as hair loss, ugly shirt wearing, and ritual memorization of league statistics. 

Q: What are the withdrawal symptoms from giving up football?
A: Similar to narcotic withdrawal, symptoms can include restlessness, vomiting, diarrhea, mental feebleness, and depression. There is also excessive sweatiness. 

The substitution of hockey, basketball, or methadone is no longer recommended for recovering football addicts. However, it has been found that watching tennis, badminton, or bowling on TV is completely harmless, if somewhat sleep-inducing.

Q: Is it safe to watch football during pregnancy? 
A: No. Watching football during pregnancy can have a number of harmful effects, ranging from mental retardation, organ abnormalities, and hyperactivity to learning and behavioral problems. And that's just for the mother-to-be.

Q: As people get fatter, does football affect their bodies differently? 
A: Yes. As a person grows hugely obese, even a small amount of football can bring on uncontrollable urges for jumbo "Meat-Lover's" pizzas and Meisterbrau beer. Healthy hors d'oeuvres such as carrots and celery with light French onion dip will not stop these cravings. Obese football addicts are also more likely to have football-related accidents, such as broken La-Z-Boys and salsa stains on their size 48 pants.

Q: Does football affect a woman's body differently from a man's body? 
A: Absolutely. Women are much more tolerant to the effects of football. For example, women have been known to answer the phone or even perform intricate needlepoint maneuvers during crucial field goal attempts with less than two minutes on the clock. 

Q: I have heard that football is good for your heart. Is this true? 
A: No. Who told you this? Was it your unemployed, good-for-nothing Uncle Hank? You're not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?

Q: I am taking over-the-counter burritos. Do I have to stop watching football? 
A: Possibly. More than 100 medications interact with football, leading to increased risk of illness, injury and, in some cases, death. Burritos can be especially dangerous when combined with beans, beer, and popcorn. The effects of gaseous emissions caused by these substances can damage the central nervous system, as well as leaving stains. 

Closing thought

In summary, football is a national crisis. Poor diet and inactive lifestyles are estimated to have caused 300,000 deaths in the United States in 1990 alone. To contrast, the illicit use of drugs are estimated to have caused only 20,000 deaths in 1990 - and these deaths were mostly to heavy diet pill users who nobody missed much anyway. 

So the next time you reach for the remote control, stop and think. The humongous tummy you're preventing may be your own. 

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©2000 Matthew Farr