If you've ever studied a foreign language, you've probably experienced the weirdness of non-English dreams. I first experienced these oddball dreams when I was studying Spanish in college. In my slumber I spoke Español fluently, constructing long, elegant sentences with ease, and pronouncing them perfectly to beautiful black-haired señoritas in outdoor cafes. When these exotic beauties spoke in my dreams, I could understand them, too, no matter how rapidly they spoke or what obscure idioms they used to profess their love for me. 

So here's the weird thing: lately I've been dreaming in HTML. 

HTML is the abbreviation for "hyper text markup language," which is the simple programming language used to create Web pages. Here's a quick example of what html looks like:

    <tr>
     <td height="180" valign="top" align="center">&nbsp;</td>
     <td height="180" valign="top" align="center">
     <img border="0" src="images/bluespace.gif" width="2" height="180"></td>
     <td valign="top" align="center" bgcolor="#FFFF66" width="98">
     <img border="0" src="images/furiousrants.gif" width="98" height="105"><br>
     <FONT SIZE=1 FACE=ARIAL,HELVETICA,SANS-SERIF><br>
     Send email to<br>
     <a href="mailto:matt@rustybrain.com">Matt Farr</a></FONT></td>
     </tr>

It's really not very exciting stuff, but a good understanding of HTML will help you create Web pages that don't suck. There are lots of programs out there that will create HTML for you, so that you don't have to actually look at, or even learn, actual HTML code. But as of today (September 4, 2000), most of these programs have real limitations when it comes to putting together a well-designed, functional, non-sucking Web site. 

So why am I dreaming in HTML?

Over the last six weeks or so, I've spent the vast majority of my free time locked in the basement, creating the Rusty Brain Web site. Here's a short diary of the how the process went:

1. Drew a quick diagram on paper of the Rusty Brain home page. 
   Elapsed time: Ten minutes.

2. Illustrated the graphics to create Rusty Brain in Adobe Photoshop, following my hand-drawn diagram. Fun! 
   Elapsed time: One week.

3. Began the HTML coding of the home page HTML. Created basic skeleton. 
   Elapsed time: Four hours.

4. Tested basic skeleton in Netscape. It looked like crap. 
   Elapsed time: Five minutes to determine all my code is garbage. 
   Thirty seconds to give up, open a beer, and watch Letterman.

5. Later, stared at raw code, occasionally changing a <p> to a <br>; or a <td width="33%"> to a <td width="122" align="right" colspan="6">.
   Elapsed time: An eternity.

6. Cursed. A lot.

7. Repeated steps 3, 4, 5, 6 for the next three weeks until most problems seem to have "gone away" for unknown reason. 

During this process, I began dreaming in code. The dreams were simple at first. My entire world would be a computer screen. I would be searching for a missing </tr>, adrift on a sea of unfriendly long rows of code, with nary a <!-- comment --> to guide me. Slowly, it would all become clear: all I needed to do was add the <line everything up straight> tag, and all my problems would be solved. 

Of course, then I would wake up and realize that there is no <line everything up straight> tag, and I would be forced to go absorb some more dangerous emissions from my computer monitor in the quest for a non-sucking Web page.

Then it got weird. 

I would have conversations with my wife in code. For example, last week I had this dream:

Mrs. Farr: <Bold>We're out of money until the next 
           paycheck.</listen up!>
           <Don't>spend any money.</dumb head>

Me:        <But>Gart Sports' big ski sale starts 
           this weekend.</hope>
           <Bold>Big saving are to be had!
           </missed opportunity>

Mrs. Farr: <Don't>spend any money.
           </did I stutter?>

The nice thing about this code is that it can be safely ignored. Indeed, I scored a nice new pair of Salomon X-Scream shaped skis with Marker M71 bindings at the big sale this weekend. Plus some other good stuff that I <really needed>.

In any case, I'm hoping that these ONMOUSEOVER="weird dreams" end soon. My wife says that since I started spending <all this time> coding HTML, I've had the <ALT="JIMMY LEG">, and she's threatening to <img src="sleep.gif"> in the guest bedroom. It's very <!-- disturbing -->, and I wish it would go away.

Comments about this story? Got a topic you'd like to suggest?
Send email to matt@rustybrain.com

©2000 Matthew Farr