I learned many things from my parents. 
One of these was not to pee on the toilet seat. 

"Raise the seat when you tinkle," said my father. He said this repeatedly, so that it became my early mantra. By the time I was eight years old, I was a urine-splatter-avoidance expert. 

It took practice to aim correctly, and raising the seat gave me a bigger target. Plus, it had the added benefit of maintaining peace with the female portion of our household.

It wasn't that difficult. I mastered this skill at an early age. As far as I recall, every boy I knew was fully capable of directing his stream of urine directly into the toilet bowl.

This no longer seems to be true. 

It's getting gross out there...
Perhaps you've noticed it. If you haven't, try going to your local Burger King. There seems to be a constant set of yellow puddles on every toilet seat, on the floor, even on the walls. I pity the fool who needs to go "number two" after eating a value meal and can't hold it. 

The magic toilet seat: where are you when we need you?
Once - and only once - I saw a magic toilet seat. It was in an old gasoline station somewhere in the middle of Nebraska. The seat was very lightly spring-loaded, so that it remained in the upright and locked position until you put a little weight on it. It was brilliant. No one had to remember to raise the seat - it went up on its own!

It's a mystery why this seat never caught on.

Urination 101.
So here's what I propose: let's start teaching our children how to pee. Early in life. In elementary school. If we can teach sex ed, why not proper pee etiquette? Sure, we've lost a whole generation of kids, who will go on their entire lives splattering uncontrollably, but let's not give up! We can save today's youth by teaching them now.

I'm envisioning a federal program for this. Schools would start teaching the "Three R's and One Big P." 

Hollywood gets in the act.
If we make it cool to pee straight, everyone will want to do it. 

• Kids' television shows could feature characters like Tinky Winky (perfect name for the job) singing about the virtues of peeing directly into the toilet.

• On SuperFriends, Batman could save the day by defusing a bomb with his incredibly accurate stream of steaming "Bat Urine."

• John Madden could start exclaiming, "He really put that one into the bowl!"

• A new episode of "Schoolhouse Rock" could be created, featuring: 
       Pete Frasier, Seat Raiser!

• John Ritter (Three's Company) could be hired as national "Aim Straight" spokesman. Imagine how nicely this would jibe with Suzanne Somers' recent role as a spokesperson for bedwetting (She was against it).

Stand proud. Pee straight. America.
C'mon people! Here's a challenge worth fighting for. After all, if we can put a man on the moon, the least we can do is put peepee in the bowl.

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©2000 Matthew Farr