Many people ask me, “What is the secret to a successful marriage?” They ask me this because I am a “Certified Marriage Expert” (CME). I achieved this certification based on my marriage achievements, which are: a) I have been married for more than five years, and b) My wife still likes me. I just added the “Certified” part to make it sound more official (the easiest certification is self certification).

After much thought and an ice cream bar from Ben & Jerry’s (a fish-shaped “Phish Stick” bar – disappointingly non-fish flavored), I have created the following checklist for creating a successful marital union.

1. Dating

The “Courtship Period” can determine the eventual success of a marriage. This period can last as long as several years or as short as several beers. To determine your readiness for marriage, here’s a simple test:

• What is the middle name of your spouse-to-be?
• When is his or her birthday, including year?
• Where was he or she born?

If you can answer one of these questions without looking in the wallet of your partner, you are ready for marriage.

2. The Wedding

In today’s society, far too much emphasis has been placed on the wedding ceremony at the sacrifice of planning for actual marriage. A wedding will last but a day, while a marriage will last a lifetime. Note to grooms: this is a good thing to say instead of “Six hundred bucks for a freaking cake?!”

Keeping this philosophy in mind, it is still a good idea to have a wedding. Studies have shown that nearly all successful married couples participated in at least one wedding.

Also, wear comfortable shoes.

3. Honeymoons and Anniversaries

Unrealistic expectations can be set by too elaborate a honeymoon. My recommendation: check into Motel 6 for a couple of nights, watch the free HBO, shop at the All American Tee Shirt Shoppe, and splurge on meals by ordering them “Super Size.”

Then tell your spouse, “Honey, things are only going to get better.” You’ll be able to follow through like a champ for years to come.

4. Resolving Arguments

There has been a lot of books written over the past decade about the importance of “conflict resolution.” In fact, the current #1 book on the NY Times Self Help best seller list is “How To End An Argument With That Lying, No-Good, Two-Timing, Lousy-Excuse-For-A-Husband-That-You-Never-Should- Have-Married-In-The-First-Place.”

You can see why these books don’t really work very well.

In fact, all arguments can be ended easily with six simple words: “It’s my fault. Let’s get naked.” The rest is easy.

5. Money

No subject incurs more disputes in marriage than money. The best advice that I can give you is to make such an obscene amount of money that you never need to argue. In fact, I commonly advise young men seeking my advice, “Do not even think about getting married until you are an astronaut, a brain surgeon, or have suddenly inherited a fortune from your long-lost father who was the king of Luxemburg.”

6. Romance

Eventually, the sparkle on every relationship fades, as the newness of intimacy becomes familiar and as adventure become routine. It is important to add small moments of genuine romance into a marriage to maintain spontaneity and excitement. Here’s how to maintain the thrills in a marriage:

Wrong
“Hey baby, I’m going down to the dog track tonight. Don’t wait up for me.”

Right
“Hey baby, I’m going down to the dog track tonight. Whaddaya say I pick up some wine coolers on the way home and we watch Cyber Ninja after the kids are asleep?”

As you can see, a little effort goes a long way.

7. Children

Inevitably, if you’re married for long enough, you’ll get bored and consider having kids. Be forewarned: this will not “mend” your marriage. If you think you’ll love each other more when you have a child together, imagine having a baby vomit all over your chest at 3:00 a.m. when neither of you has had a decent night of sleep in six weeks. If you think you can be reasonably loving to your spouse in this circumstance, you’ll make a fine parent (but you’re kidding yourself).

Also, talk about that whole “circumcision decision” before you’re on your way to the hospital while timing contractions.

8. In-Laws

The best way to deal with your new helpful family members is to emigrate to Australia. Not only will you be a long distance away from your mother-in-law, but Australia has very strict laws concerning in-laws. For example, an overly-helpful mother-in-law can be imprisoned for rearranging kitchen cabinets without her son-in-law’s written permission. Even then, a three-day waiting period must be observed.

If moving to another hemisphere is not practical, outfit your in-laws with the Tri-Tronics “Bark Limiter” Collar (only $89.10, not including batteries). It provides gentle, but persuasive control of excessive nagging, repeated illness stories, and annoying cackles. The vibration sensor picks up all unwanted criticism and “suggestions.” The small, inconspicuous collar fits necks of all sizes except “fat bastard,” which is available as a full-body harness.

Another piece of good advice: never make fun of your in-laws on TV. Most old people who have outlived their usefulness watch a lot of TV.

Note to my own mother-in-law: None of this applies to you — you are wonderful.

Summary

The world record for the longest marriage belongs to Harold and Jacqueline Odd, of Dumas, Texas, at 83 years. The Odds were married in 1918, had three children, and never lived in Australia.

My point? With my marriage advice, the right person, and some herbs from Tibet, you’ve got a shot at beating the Odds.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 7th, 2002 at 12:01 pm and is filed under Love and Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.